Everything you’ve ever wanted

What does that mean? Everything you’ve ever wanted?

To me it has been a few things. For awhile it was a partner whom I pined after and eventually won over. Only to realize how immature I had been years down the line when things of course didn’t work out. I learned a lot there.

It’s been when I complete my MFA, got the masters, put my 10,000 hours in, became “the man”. But after you put your 10,000 hours in you kind of realize that it puts your right back at the start, your next five hours move more slowly because they have that weight behind them.

It’s been becoming a professor and having my own students. Did that one before 30, which was wild. Yeah it wasn’t full professor or tenure track but I got the title for a bit! That was amazing, teaching is incredible, and watching and helping people grow now that’s amazing. Problem is, the system is only set up for people with either a hedge fund or you can luck out and get something awesome right away. I didn’t luck out, I burned out and crashed out pretty hard.

So I’m thinking, I don’t exactly want to get “everything” I want to be happy in whatever process I find myself in. There are plenty of cycles that a person can live through, there are plenty of choices. I think that Jeff Rosenstock’s song “Three Summers” does a pretty good job of what it’s like to be stuck in a depressive cycle for years on end, watching the world go by you and feeling like you’re a waste. But I don’t know, I pushed myself to the brink, moved to the state next door with no friends and no family with a new job and BAM, I got hit so hard by life that I literally work up with a concussion. I guess that old adage of making your mistakes away from home isn’t such a bad one.

But I did come home eventually, after a few years away. Then I started adding it up, where did my 20’s go? well I moved out of my home at the age of 19, moved back at 24 I spent a year grinding it then spent the next three years in Grad School. so in all I guess I spent a couple of years back home, between academic and life adventures. Not a bad way to spend it honestly, lots of fun, lots of friends, lots of love and heartbreak and even climbing a mountain, touching the ocean, learning how to do all that shit, it’s awesome. I think I was actually kind of cool for once as self inflating as that sounds. Spent a lot more time at punk shows and in bars than galleries and recital halls though. I think I would do that part a little differently.

I always dreamed, like any midwestern lost soul, about going east or west and living by the sea, a little coffee shop maybe and of course teaching and making a ton of art. But more recently I don’t always see that, I more or less see myself making things forever, that won’t go away, but I don’t know that I have to prescribe some kind of happiness. Because what I do know is that getting everything you want is not where it’s at. It always comes with a cost and frankly of paying that toll every time I set my sights on something new.

So where does that leave me? It’s somewhere out there, knowing that I don’t have to work a certain job, be a certain friend, or live a certain place even. I just want to spend my time around the people I care about making important things and doing interesting stuff like going to the museum and writing this blog. I think I should start covering local shows and reviewing the art, that’s something that brings me a lot of joy. Having coffee with friends and looking at art, fixing guitars, painting, all the fun stuff. Because I don’t want everything I’ve ever wanted anymore, I got it once or twice before.

I started this painting months ago, it’s about redoing the floor at my Dad’s with my brother. She was dieing from cancer and we needed to replace the floor before she passed. It’s a strange thing when you start doing these kinds of projects with a dire sense of urgency. Everybody gets a little hot and heavy and they start stepping on each others toes, there’s a heaviness to that kind of project. I know it sounds strange but that’s also a part of life. This one is definitely about appreciating the process of making over the enjoyment of a project fulfilled. Sort of fits. No timeline to finish this guy but I do want him in a few shows for sure.