Not so blind revelation

This isn’t a long one, just one I’ve come to a conclusion on after working for the last two years to find some sort of stability with everything kind of coming to a head recently. I couldn’t seem to get a handle on things and just living on crumbs.

Really dumb to come to this conclusion this late in the game but better late than never. Which is that, you should support the communities that support you, that want to see you succeed and that want you to be involved. I’ve sort of been living like I’m always waiting on the next thing and that the current is always a given, which it’s not. I’ve been a docente at a museum, prof at four colleges (adjunct roles are risky, especially the remote ones), briefly worked as a meat packer, a grant recipient, and most recently an RSA for a mental health facility.

I’m not really cut out for health care, I have my own issues and I’m terrible at compartmentalizing so I tend to carry my work with me. That’s good if it’s about studying, it’s bad if you have no real outlet for the intensity of the stress that healthcare brings, and it’s worse if you can’t find anything else for an extended period of time. But that’s a community that I love and who takes of each other and I’m a part of in a way but it’s not one that I can work in for long.

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So recently, instead of bullet pointing my qualities and trying to figure out what makes sense on paper, I’ve just sort of been observing.

And I think there’s a list that I need to pay attention to more closely.

Story telling by making abstract connections. Empathy is required, thinking from another persons perspective. I’m good at that. Listening, like really listening to people to see how they are feeling.

It’s part of what makes me an artist is seeing outside of myself and putting down whatever thoughts come from that.

That said, I have to be able to self regulate. So bed time before 11, eating regular meals, not drinking every weekend. Seeing friends, exploring new things, trying on new clothes. Those things are important.

I’m good at reading too but it can stress me out because college was long and there were many pages, unless I am gripped, it will be a chore to start.

Showing up, ahh the power of showing up. Going to art openings and shows are great but also just making time for people and not always bailing.

Making, I need to always be able to make things, even if they’re just goofy little odds and ends.

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How is this not bulletpointing? Because when you add it up, you get a direction.

Instead of “guy who draws good should be illustrator.” Or “A painter who loves to teach should be a professor.”

Sure, maybe that’s part of it but you can also get,

“Guy who hikes on the weekends, so he needs to stay healthy, eats well, and uses those opportunities to inspire him. Someone who can stay in the office for a few hours but knows it’s time to come out after awhile and say hello. Someone who likes showing their face and being part of the community. He paints because he likes to express himself, he writes because he needs to remember things, he reads because he needs to know things. He’s been to school but he’s also been around life and he knows he has limits.”

The second guy, to me, sounds more like he’s content to find the work he needs to maintain himself, that first guy sounds a lot like me I dunno, at different points in my life, but especially these last five years. I haven’t taken in an interest in the right communities and it’s been starving me because they don’t have an interest in me.